Yes it is one of those days when for one reason or another you are thoroughly tired of yourself.
One of those days when you have lost sight of your beauty and you just want to go away somewhere and be like a rock, still and deep and nothing to feel, just be like a rock.
It’s a day when I know that I need to write something that will capture the chaos in my mind, the agony of being me, the me-ish things that seem to haunt my existence from days I can’t remember, long time gone and give me grief now.
A day when I need to write and be released from myself in my writing.
Its not all bad, don’t we all have days like this that have built up over our whole lives, or weeks or the last few days and you get to this point, or emotional state.
This day is the point.
My point.
Every day after this can be different because of what I feel, learn and let myself experience from this day.
I have a choice with what I do about it.
I write to process, and record it somehow.
Sometimes like today, I am willing to feel this kind of stuff, the stuff of being a human being, and know that it passes, that it isn’t the sum total of my whole existence or the whole truth of it.
Other days I don’t let myself feel it, or acknowledge I feel it. I push it somewhere else, I block it very effectively, or put on some disguise or cover up. But more often than not because of my personality I can’t hide the bad days very well.
Some people are very good at it……….they learn it from childhood, when their feelings are denied or when they are hurt in some way physically or emotionally, or when they are invalidated by significant people in their lives. They get the message they don’t matter, so they make themselves invisible. They spend their whole lives doing the invisible thing to avoid the pain. They don’t think they matter. Feeling ultimately causes pain because their feelings and emotions were so hurt or ignored, so they try not feel anything. They do not need anything, they become very self sufficient. They don’t handle people who do need anything from them very well.
People with this kind of background develop ways of being human and having some kind of feeling in addictions or relationships based on physical sensations that briefly create emotional intensity. At least they feel human somehow, even if brief.
We do things for comfort.
I can be like that a bit, but somehow I have come to know what I do, what I need today. And risk sharing that.
We all have pasts, with wounds that haunt us, and the future is about healing those things that surface.
They often surface in our relationships with those closest to us. I have recently discovered this website. I think its awesome.
www.howwelove.com
The fact that I need a hug, or to be held tells me that my soul was scraped raw somewhere in my past, that I am wonderfully human.
My poets heart is sensitive to my inner working and writing is good for me.
See I feel better.
P.S I actually needed the hug several days ago and started to write then. Writing is a way of hugging myself. After all, some of my needs I can meet myself………….and a lot of good honest writing has come out of that act.
“Your body needs to be held and to hold, to be touched and to touch. None of these needs is to be despised, denied, or repressed. But you have to keep searching for your body's deeper need, the need for genuine love. Every time you are able to go beyond the body's superficial desires for love, you are bringing your body home and moving toward integration and unity.” Henri Nouwen
I got two much needed hugs yesterday. But, the best part about them is they were shared hugs!